Glen here again. Wow, if you haven't done so yet, be sure to read Chris's entries and talk to him when you can. I guess I'm feeling guilty for being really harsh with Chris the other day, so I'm just posting this now so that he knows I'm sorry and I don't have to directly tell him that I'm sorry, because I'm just not good at that kind of thing.

I'm not exactly sure how or when it happened, but I seriously HATE Christians. I'm not even going to lie about it, I hate their religion, their self-righteousness, and everything else about them. They're nice people and all, and I'm sure they love me even though I'm rabidly Atheist, but fuck that, I just don't like them. I tried not to hate them, because hate is usually just a form of fear twisting love, and one step from love, but I can't stand it anymore. My heart is hardened, crystalized like a diamond after centuries of pressure.

Flame me, preach to me, love me, whatever. Nothing personal, but your religion can shove it.

I felt like I slept forever, but it is only 1:44 AM.

What a crazy day… Getting circumcised has gotta be one of the most brave things I’ve ever done. Spike is free at last, yelling, “Papa! Papa! I’m a real boy!”

I cried at the clinic today, not because it hurt so much, but because I was on the phone with Kalle. She said some very sweet things to me… sweetest things I’ve ever heard… I never dared to believe how much I mean to her all this time, and I guess I do mean quite a bit to her. She said the only thing that separates me and Robert is that her parents will probably like him… I think she was just being nice though… She can probably think of more things that separate us… or else she wouldn’t feel he’s the one. It’s hard to admit this guy is better than I am... but who else is to blame other than myself for not being a better individual.

Someone out there really needs to invent that machine…

So where are we in the story? Can it be that we’re just barely getting to the end of Chapter one? When I find that girl for me, I pray that she’ll be as cool as Kalle. I hope I’ll be able to say anything to her, and vice versa. I wish she will be perfect for me, and we can make each other happy. Hmm… why didn’t things work out with Kalle again? Oh yeah… it doesn’t matter.

My baby… thank you for wanting to be that one person to make me feel I’m loved and that I’m special. You truly did make me happy… besides, it really is the thought that counts. Thank you for being faithful to me all this time.

Looking back, I guess
It shows that we were destine to shine
Over the rain, to appreciate
The gift of what we have
And I’d go through it all
All over again
To be able to feel, this way.

If I can be on the top of the world, I would scream out in tears, “I LOVE YOU BABY!!!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU BABY!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! I!!!! LOVE!!!!!! YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Thank you Father God for this gift you’ve given me. I pray that you watch over it, protect it, and let it be filled with the Holy Spirit… Break her heart Lord, break her heart… show her what you’ve shown me… Thank you Father God… thank you.

I once met this beautiful girl… and…

Oh my goodness taking pictures has never involved this much laughter before. Since Haji and I are getting circumcised tomorrow, we decided to take pictures so we’ll have something to always remember it by. It was so funny! Haji took two shots and I took three ;) This reminds me of how she was still able to love me and be willing to have sex with me despite the fact that Spike looks kinda weird. I appreciate that. But, it could be because she just didn’t know what it was supposed to look like. Dang, it makes me mad to think about how much growth Spike was limited because he was uncircumcised. You could have been big Spike!! Tomorrow, 12:00 PM… I’m scared!!!

I’ll tell you why.

True, you don’t know me any better than I know you, and that makes you not knowing me very well at all. I am like my mother: when I do things for people, I don’t necessarily do it because they’ve done something for me, or because they love me, or even because I love them. I do it because of how much it means. Now what the heck does that mean? It means if I think I can do something that might just make a difference in someone’s life, then for some reason I am amazingly motivated to do it at whatever cost. I think you’re a great girl. I see you as a flower, and I see lusting as shit. I don’t want shit on this beautiful flower that I adore. If I think about it, what I’m doing for you hardly seems worth it sometimes. Many times I feel you can careless what I do for you, or even that you think I’m stupid. But then I try to remind myself: like Doug said, God gives us His best, so we should too. Believe me, this fast has been difficult, and it’s only going to get worse. If I be honest, I can think of another reason why I’m doing this for you. I believe part of reason is that I was questioning myself whether I like you or not. And, just incase I do, I don’t want the girl I like to lust. So I guess it’s like an insurance deal, I’m just thinking for the long run. But I’m glad I got that issue out of the way finally.

It makes me mad to hear you say that I pissed you off today. This is going to make you mad but I’m going to say it anyway. You have a problem listening to people telling you that you are wrong. Instead of checking yourself first, your first action is to defend offensively. You got mad when we talked about you lusting. You got mad again when we talked about lusting. Instead of getting mad at me for trying to kick in the reality to you that you are disrespecting your body, you should be mad at yourself for disrespecting your body in the first place. We would never have had those lusting conversations if you have never lusted, so blame the source. Like Edmund said before, instead of focusing on getting rid of the rats, we need to focus on getting rid of the trash that attracts the rats instead. You don’t think I ever get mad? I was mad when we talked about you lusting, I was mad when we talked about lusting the second time, and I was mad again this morning. The difference is, I think about what I did to cause you to make me mad, and I try to be understanding about it. You know, I didn’t get mad at you for the whole banquet deal, but I feel I at least have the right to express how I felt. Here you are telling me how sorry you are, yet, you get mad. I think it’s ridiculous.

If what I said this morning pissed you off, then this letter definitely means you and I are not going to speak for a while. Fine if that’s the case. I’ll just talk to you again whenever you feel like you’ve finally cooled off. I will continue to pray for you, I hope you find peace and comfort in Him.

Chris

Hi everybody, Glen here again. This time I'm gonna post something that won't be deleted accidentally. I've been going through some hard times recently, but things are looking up. I just want to unload some thoughts in my head.

First thing that I've been thinking is that Chris and Jennifer should get back together. Now, I know that saying this isn't fair to either of them, but come on, it'd just be so darn cool. Unfortunately, I don't think either party is particularly interested in my idea, so it's not gonna happen any time soon.

Second thing that I've been thinking is, why doesn't anybody hang out with me other than Putri, and 4 other people? People were always so interested in what's going on with me when I was in Seattle, but now that I'm back, I guess there's nothing to see any more. I wish people would call me and take me out to go places. Still, I'm grateful for the people who do take time to enjoy my company. Thanks Chris, Andrew, Joe, and Alex. Last but not least, thanks Putri, I love you.

Speaking of friends, I never really realized how cool Chris and Andrew are to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just another friend in their books, but recently I've been getting the feeling that we're destined to be friends like what they're talking about in those American Pie 2 commercials. I have to admit, we've got a whole lot of memories together. I think I was one of the first people from LC that Andrew talked to. We called him Andy Yoon, since his name sounded just like Andy Moon, the former battery captain. Chris and I went to the same elementary school, but it wasn't until his crazy parties in 7th grade when his parents weren't home(we're so bad) that we became really cool. My favorite memory is locking Andrew Shin in the closet for like 10 minutes, after which he began to beat us up with sparring gear. 3SG for life.

Finally, this last message is for my girlfriend, Putri. Recently, I've been taking your love for granted, because I feel like a good thing like this will never end. I hope you can understand that I've always loved you, and will always love you. Please don't be so discouraged about how things are at the moment, no matter what happens I'll always do what I can to make things better.

Thanks for visiting Chris's site, IM me sometime at pezCANtDance. Peace to 3SG, Seattle, and the Grasshoppers. Keepin it fresh for '01, you suckaz!

My Dearest Kalle,

Like I’ve said many times before: I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you. I will love you no matter what you do, what you say, what you don’t do, and what you don’t say. We are so deeply a part of each other… how can we ever be apart? I really don’t understand us sometimes… how can love hurt so much when it’s love? I really wouldn’t have minded at all to end up happily ever after with you, but I am very convinced now that you and I can only be a dream. Since when did you stop being there as I reach out? I reach but there’s nothing… I scream but you just cry… I try to look into your heart, but no matter how hard I try it is always a mystery. My dream of a grand life… that grand life was dreamed to include you… I don’t know why I am writing this to you either, but I too know that I am being honest with you. You really broke my heart… and I don’t understand… I really thought you’d never want to hurt me… because I can’t imagine myself ever able to bear the pain of hurting you… I understand I’m not supposed to live in the past, but I feel to let it go completely is like forgetting everything we ever had. I always want to be there for you to make you happy; I always want to be the one to make you smile… I am so stupid huh? You know… no one… as far as I can remember, no one has ever been able to make me as happy as you did on that day we spent together… the day I moved in my dorms… That night, you said I’m always mean to you at the end of the day… You really don’t know why? It’s because I was sad… I don’t like you leaving me… I dreaded the end of each day we spend together… I pray so hard to find peace; I pray for understanding and forgiveness… but our memories together is carved very deeply in my mind and heart… it’s going to take more time. The reality is so real that I don’t even dare to dream… I don’t dare to wish for the millions of what ifs…. For now, I just want you to truly smile… You are a very smart girl; you are so much smarter than me… I know you can do anything. I want to see you do well; I want to see you become a great doctor one day… and you so can! If I say you can then you can, because I know you best and I would never lie to you. So smile for me baby… smile for me…

Don’t you ever stop loving me

I love you,
…

So I bought dinner and felt good about being a nice ninja, but, still they left their money as tip for the waitress. I thought, “Why the heck did I buy dinner if ya‘ll gonna pay anyway?” But then, I realized it was the actually the best outcome possible: people were grateful of the kind gesture from the mysterious person; whoever they thought bought dinner are now more respected; and the waitress is happy because she just got her biggest tip of the month. So I guess I kind of aimed for the target and accidentally penetrated the bull’s-eye.

Reader, please respect the nature of confidentiality in this matter. Much thanks.

The images are so vivid still, why have I not forgotten it? If the pain was an exchange for the happiness, was it a good trade? I hate him for what he did to me. He had no right; he doesn’t even know me. I wish I had killed him. Die you bastard from Hell. I watched him nibble my heart away; all I could do was watch. It was so unfair for me… Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to act unfaithful? I’d choose quilt over pain. I hate them so much… I hate them so much… I hate them!!!!! They kill me again and again and at the end they still win. I’d kill him if I could. He deserves Hell, and I hope Hell really is far worse than I can imagine. I was so lonely… I was so sad… so sad that I am sad now. I wish there was a way to see all this so that it makes sense… Why? Why? And Why? Why the fuck me? They think it’s my fault? Even she thinks it’s my fault! That’s fucked up! It’s been a year now; the shadow does not go away. This nightmare… I can never be awake from it… Where did all the heart go? All the tears? All the promises… it was so not fair… I can feel my heart right now.

I WILL NOT BE SILENT! I WILL NOT BE QUIET ANYMORE! I WILL NOT BE SILIENT! I WILL NOT BE QUIET ANYMORE!!!! I WILL NOT BE SILENT! I WILL NOT BE QUIET ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

I wish there exists a device that can turn my thoughts into words so that I may read them. Truth… such a word, I would not be tired to use it a million times. What do I feel like this? What caused it? I’m sure I’d know if I think really hard… Why do I not want to? Why am I too tired to? It’ll be worth it, I think. Standing on this ambiguous ground makes me suffer. I tried to be myself but I couldn’t, even I, saw it. Would I rather not know so much about her? Should I believe anything could be done through Him? Then I would be going against all that I’ve learned and know… I wish I know what I want… Tell me, is it a “go?” or “no?” Sometimes I feel to be awake is to be without peace… Maybe that’s why I slept so early last night. Should I sleep forever? Is this a test, God? I am weary but I haven’t done anything today… Am I waiting? What is it that I’m waiting for again? I tried writing a poem but I couldn’t… were my thoughts not real? Not enough? I thought I’m not supposed to TRY to write a poem? Maybe it’s because I didn’t get what I want… I wanted time for us, alone… I did not get that. I feel like I wasted yesterday… perhaps it wasn’t. Perhaps it was. I wish someone would talk to me… and agree with what I have to say. I wish tomorrow will be a better day. I kind of wish, that, it is a “go.” Is it because I’m lonely? Damn this loneliness. How am I supposed to write it down when there are ten thousand thoughts in my mind? Damn… get me that machine! I guess it is because I don’t feel like I can trust her. Is it wrong to hold what I know against her? Is it wrong to hold against her honesty? Her trust? That’s not fair! I did not like her friend very much at all… what if she’s like her? I wish someone would talk to me, tell me things I want to hear. God give me strength… I really really need it.

Hi Janet :)

Hey all you faithful visitors into Chris' mind. This is his comrade-in-arms Andrew Yoon. We crack together, praise together, and bboy together. I have another friend of mine that is an amazing web designer. He has amazing talent and looks. Make sure you visit his website hard-rain.com. You won't be disappointed! Also andrewyoon.com is quite stimulating.

Summer 2001 lives on forever...

"omg he is soooo not waht i expected him to be... he's very blunt and outspoken... even though he doesn't relaly look it... and i haven't really talked to him that much... but he's very hmm what should i say... i guess... charming in a sense... but wait no that's not the word... well anyway... i think he's really smart too and he's very goal oriented and he's real serious about his life unlike a lot of the guys that we know who just work out and play basketball and do nothing with their future... and like i dunno he's someone that you could totally trust or at least feel like you can trust... he's quite funny too... dude he made me mad once though because he told me i was being rude and i was thinking shit this guy doesn't even know me and he's telling me that i'm rude wat the hell... but over all though he's a wonderful guy.... someone i'd totally love to be friends with *wink*'

:)

Kao just showed me his penis again in fully erected mode; I think this is becoming a habit. Perhaps a bad one.

It was excitingly interesting.

Andrew and I requested to see Kao’s penis, so he showed us. It took him about 25 min. to get it up, when he finally did, it was only half way up. Still, dang, that boy is indeed blessed. We were crazy for asking, and Kao was crazy for showing. It was hilarious.

Hey you, long time no write.

I was taking a shower today and I decided to write to you. I saw “Kiss Of The Dragon” tonight and it reminded me of the time I watched “Romeo Must Die.”

I was surprised when you asked me if I still care for you. I was surprised because I didn’t think I still exist in your thoughts. I actually think about whether you think about me or not a lot. It hurts me, but I’m stronger now. I’ve grown better at pushing things away.

When you said you question yourself about him and me, normally, I would have pursued the topic. I did not, because I knew it doesn’t matter. If you can’t have something then what’s the point of finding out about it? Especially when you probably shouldn’t have it and don’t want it? I must admit though, it pleased me to hear you question yourself. What you question I do not know, and would not make effort to know. I’m just glad I wasn’t wrong about what I thought of you.

Your dad… “Want me to kill him for you?” You have a problem that you cannot solve, all I can suggest is to find more happiness and may it do more than just balance the weariness in your mind. I always felt I was supposed to do that for you, but many things are not, in my perspective, what they’re supposed to be.

Keep up the good work in school; I like smart girls.

You have a friend in me. Friends are there for each other at any time there is a need. Don’t think; just know it.

Hi baby :)

In.thoughts.of.you.

It is 5:49 AM; I am unable to sleep due to the influence of alcohol. Hiroshi said when he drinks too much he gets emotional, so maybe that’s why I decided to write down these thoughts in my head.

5 months, or is it 4 months? Though it seems like a dream, yet, it did not go by in a blink. What a wonderful, beautiful, chapter of my life it has been. Not only did you people see pass my ugly hair and took me in as a suitemate, a friend, but you’ve also given so much joy to my life. Meeting every one of you was another treasure I collected. Sometimes it amazes me that the UCI Housing Office somehow managed to put the 10 coolest people on campus in the same hall, better yet, in the same suite. It’s like, damn, what’re the chances of that happening?

It’s like that movie “Meet Joe Black”, I’ve collected so many pictures. Sometimes I wish I could have been with you all since September, but I also know that, honestly, I couldn’t have asked for more. Even though some of you have really pissed me off sometimes, haha, still, at the end of the day all I am left to say is I really love you. So please, allow me to express my gratitude, to all of you:

Yas – Thank you for the cool roommate that you are. You’ve been nice to me since the first day I was here. Thank you for not snoring so much, but you’ve been snoring a lot lately. Thank you for liking me and respecting me, and yes I know you do J Thank you for all the good food you cooked for me, and thank you for all the good food you’re going to cook for me next year. Thank you for cleaning up after me all the times, thank you for having common interests with me. Thank you for all your singing. Lastly, thank you for being a brother to me.

Dara – Thank you for being Chinese with me. Thank you for being so down, so real. Thank you for laughing at my very funny jokes, and thank you for all times you didn’t laugh. Thank you for calling me “sexy” all the times, I know you meant it with your whole heart. Thank you for caring for me; thank you for all the laughter and fun talks. Thank you for all the 6:00 AM workouts. Thank you for being conceited with me. Thank you for have said to me, “even though you came so late, I feel closest to you.”

Hiroshi – Thank you for being so loud and funny. Thank you for being my “ish-talking” buddy. Thank you for eating so much. Thank you for being a shoulder when I had discomforts. Thank you for being “single-but-wanted” with me. Thank you for being in that Hip Hop class with me. Thank you for your rainforest joke. Thank you for all the compliments. Thank you for your words, “I’m right here man”. You said that to me when I told you some guy was talking shit. Thank you for the times when you hurt me. Thank you, for the true bro that you are.

Yumi – Hmm… I can’t think of anything. Haha, just kidding, sorry I had to do that J You know I love you. Thank you Yumik, for knocking on the wall with me all the times. Thank you for all the massages. Thank you for sharing your heart with me, I feel privileged to be a listener to you. Thank you for all the movie talks; thank you for being the classy girl that I love. For you for apologizing to me after you made me wait an hour. Thank you for your Austin Powers dance. Thank you for telling me you heard Christina talk shit about me after I was so nice to her. Thank you for sleeping with me in Vegas, but you’re probably more excited than I am about that.

Haji – Haha, you’re so funny some times. Thank you for always saying “alright” whenever I ask if you want do something or go somewhere. Thank you for being in the hospital with me after our car accident. Thank you for all the sleepless counter-strike nights. Thank you for being my boyfriend in my dream. Thank you for all the times when you flashed me with Mini Haji. Thank you for playing DDR with me, and thank you for the hamburger today.

Kelsey – Thank you for your conversations with Alic, I enjoy them very much. Thank you for planning out the Vegas trip. Thank you for always being in my room bothering Yas. Thank you for sticking things up Yas’ ass all the times, I loved hearing him say “Hey!!” Also, thank you for looking at me weird whenever I give you a compliment.

Michelle – Thank you for being so little yet so bootyful. Thank you for all the walks to writing class. Thank you for the surprise on your birthday. Thank you for playing “peek-n-run” with me. Thank you for noticing that we didn’t talk for a week. Thank you for putting so much effort into school; you’re my role model. Thank you for sitting next to me at Joe’s Crab Shack. Thank you, for all the nights when you walk by my door with nothing but a towel.

Wow… It is now 7:09 AM. Yay. I don’t feel like I need to barf anymore. Yas just farted. I’m going to miss you all. I hope I’ll still get to see all of you as often next year. I’m going to miss everything we have in this family. No more walking only 7 steps to find a friend. No more “YooOooOo!” at 3:00 AM. Actually, I’ll still have that next year. I know this is going to be one of those things that I’d give anything to part of once again for even just a day. I know I have lots more to be thankful for, lots more to say, but I’ll stop here. I think it’d be cool if we could have a suite reunion once every year around May or June, what do you think?

With much love, gratitude, and sincerity,
Chris

Hello Kieron:

You know, for the first time in my life, I wonder just what kind of name is Kieron???? Oh well. As you are reading this, I’m probably already out of the dorms, which leads me to conclude that you are sobbing like a little girl longing for my presence once more. Well, just to help you feel better, everyone else in Whispering Wood is probably doing the same. I wish I could stay with all ya’ll always, but there is only one of me J Hehe. Seriously though, I’ve had the time of my life. Being in Whispering Wood is the best thing that’s happened in my life in the past couple of months. Back in High School, I was blessed with the best Key Club Governor, and now I’ve been blessed once again with the best RA. Even thought you’re the only RA I’ve ever had and ever will have, still I say you’re the best damn RA I know. Thank you for the wonderful 5 months, you and the rest of the Whispering Wood have made a difference in my life. From here on, take good care of yourself as I will be taking good care of myself. I love you brotha, and WW pride foreva!

Your favorite Chinese man of room 322,
Chris

You know, there are many things about me that I wish could be different. You are the love of my life so I ask for your understanding just this once. I love talking to you, the sound of your voice fills my heart with joy, and that’s why I couldn’t hang up on you when I thought I would. But… I can’t bear this. It’s my fault for I am weak; I am incapable of having a big heart. Until the day my heart is consumed by another girl, I cannot listen to you without scarring my heart. And I am so tired of this heartache… so tired… Maybe I’m just finding a place to hide, but maybe I’m being strong, too. At the end of the day, my life is better while it does not intersect with yours. I do not intent for that to be an insult; it is just way things happened to be. We will meet again I’m sure, I hope, unless one or both of us dies. Let these words be it, please don’t call anymore. Do not contact me if you want what is best for me. Again I write this letter with immense pain, and a wish that I could have you in my arms for an eternal moment, but I understand what I wish and how I feel doesn’t mean a thing in this world. So, goodbye for now, and take care of yourself well as I will be taking good care of myself while quietly wishing the best for you. You have my blessings, and you will always be my special friend. You are truly my special friend. Hey, I have that funny feeling again, and it’s very strong. I really hate you sometimes… How come you never paid attention to me like I did to you…

I’ve longed for the day that I speak to you again, yet goodbye is so soon…

Chris

I knew the story did not end, but I didn’t expect it to continue so soon. I couldn’t hang up on her like I told myself I would, the burst of joy inside me kept me from hanging up that very second I realized it was her. And after that second I was not able to hang up again for the rest of my life. I hate her for have called, I hate her for having caused heartache inside me again when she did almost nothing at all. The story never ended, that’s why a new life can never truly begin. I feel like penetrating through a thousand walls with my fist; I feel like crushing my own jaws; I feel like tearing my throat against the sky and just explode into aches. Why did she call after I told her not to? I made it clear to her I never want to hear of her again. Why does the phone company assume I should accept every call people make to me? I thought I told you not to call! It’s over with us! We can’t even be friends! Leave me alone!

I’ve just started drinking, I’ll write as I get drunk.
We’re playing a game now…
Ooops. I forgot to write… I am messed up…

It is incredibly hot today; it must be over 98 degrees. Register.com has the worst service ever. I’ve been on the phone for about 30 minutes now I still get the machine talking to me.

I wish time could pause for me for about a week.

void myLife()
{
while (doingWellInSchool())
{
if (nothingBadHappens())
{
if (spareTimeExists())
{
workingOut();
if (gotExtraMoney())
{
fixMyCar();
buySomeCloths();
getNewGlasses();
}
}
designUrupJournal();
designUropSite();
finishJapaneseContracts();
finishChineseTranslations();
redesignDotcomtopia();
designPhoneCodeSite();
redesignTruethoughts();
}
startOtherThings();
}
}

When asked, “Who are you thankful for?” I thought of mom, dad, then Kalle. Then I wondered why I am thankful of her. It could be the good times, it could be the longing, it could be me flattering myself, or it can be that I am too accustomed to think of her. I feel shame to have not thought of the Lord first, but that’s just my personality.

I wished she knew about the accident.

Anita… what a person I’m glad to have met. “Always know what to say,” says she… What a nice thing to be thought as.

So this past Sunday I went to Vegas for a business conference. This is what I remember: On the way back, I was laying in the rear passenger seat. As I was sleeping, I heard Yas screaming, “Oh shit!” I dragged my eyes open, saw the car in front of us closing in on us much faster than it should, and thought, “Okay, we’re not going to to make it… Crap, I don’t have my seatbelts on…!” Then, BOOM! I flew against the seat. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe, and I was in pain, I thought my neck was broken. I heard Haji screaming because he was hurt too. The strange smells made me think the car of going to blow up… Well, fortunately, the Lord favors me. Even though we were going 80 mph before Yas attempted to halt the car, I was not in any critical condition. My head bled a little and I got two ugly bumps. My neck hurts, but it’s fine. My right leg, I can’t really walk that well right now, but I will be fine soon. Can’t nothing take me down!

This weekend was a good one, though. I believe I learned many things.

I am trying to understand this pain I feel… I never thought it’d be this hard to let go. I loved it and now I miss it… I still love it. On this same day last year I was the man; I was looking forward to my last three days of Key Club life… I was excited, and I was scared. I had the love of my life, I had it all, and it just couldn’t have been better… Everything is different now, people went their ways and there’s just too much in life to be reminiscing... Sometimes life moves too quickly for me… I find myself having hard times catching up… and sometimes I don’t want to.

I’m drunk right now, so I’ not sure what I would write. I’m singing… but I’m probably just making a fool of myself… she said to me today, “Are you seriously going to ignore me forever?” Baby… I will never ignore you… I’m there in an instant whenever you need me… Not because I’m powerless, but because I choose to… I love you… and it is the truth because I am drunk… I love you… Don’t leave me… Let’s go back to how we used to be… Let’s have lunch tomorrow like a family again… Why did you have to go…. You promised… you promised… You lied to me! Why did you lie to me! I believe you! I waited for you!!!!! Why did you have to lie…

I remember my dream now.

She wrote me a letter… she said she doesn’t want me to go. She said she tried calling but she knew I blocked her number. She said she’ll try calling every chance she gets… she said more… but I don’t remember.

It was just a dream.

Whenever I check the statistics log for this site, I can’t help wondering who these people that come to my site are…

I just watched the Key Club video and the convention video today… sigh… How I miss them so… I’ve decided to make these videos downloadable with the new design of truethoughts.net… the new site is going to look great, I can’t wait until I see it.

Working $10.00/hour doing web design is really a rotten deal… I am going to request for at least $30.00/hour for the jobs I take from now on…

Yas is sleeping… I wonder if I snore as loud as him.

Where is hatred if there is no love? I hate you so much.

Hi…

I wanted to begin this letter with “Hi baby,” but I don’t think that make sense anymore… I guess I can be your good friend if I could just get my feelings out of the way… Believe it or not, I try really hard to just be happy for you… The fact that you think you love him hurts me, it hurts me even more that you call him baby, and it makes me sick that you say things like “know what I mean jelly bean?” to him… was I special…. Or was I not… I know I’m on no grounds to feel any of these things… sometimes the truth should really be hidden… Did you ever lie to me? Or can time really be this cruel… Every day, not a day goes by do I not think of you… as much I try to help it, I just can’t make the dim hope in my heart go away… I want so badly to go on, but I can’t… I still remember that day I spent with you… Nothing mattered then… nothing…. Nothing could have gone wrong… until you left.. No one has ever made me feel so complete… nothing was more perfect… damn… Kalle was mine and only I could use that name… but it seems like it ain’t so no more… Do you not leave anything for me? Our memories haunts me… it haunts me… but I’m finally going to do something about it… for reals this time… I hope you’ll continue to be happy and well.. because the only thing that might make me turn back is you needing me… damn… why don’t you ever do what I am willing to do for you? How do you just watch me like this… I remember you wrote me this letter once, at the end of the letter you said, “hey! We have the same name!” Do you remember that? But it seems like he has that name as well now…Damn you… It kills me to see you just watch me leave… just standing there…. As slow as I walk, you don’t even move… God… let this be the end… I’m so tired… Sometimes I’m not sure if you’re an angel who’s flown away or a devil…. Please be well, I don’t want to hear of you for a long time. It’s not you, really, it’s me. I understand, but understanding doesn’t stop the pain.

Chris

If I tell you I am going to save the world in two months, would you believe me? No? What if I tell you I’m going to be rich, would you believe me then? Ask me in two months whether I’m rich or not. If I am, I’ll buy you dinner; if I’m not, at least I know you care.

I’m at class right now and I’m not allowed to be online! What a rush!

"On This Day"

On this day,
My life is over.

On this day,
I have died,
Again and again, and yet again.

On this day I believe in nothing.

On this day my tears are nothing.

It had always been, nothing.

On this day I take the next step.
A step that was attempted by many
And by me many times.
I so fear this step.
I want to turn back.
Someone please make me turn back.

On this day,
Vanished is the shape of my love,
And the volume of my love.
That is all it is vanished.

On this day I will lie,
And lie, and lie, and lie.

On this day,
The truth is sacrificed.

On this day I wish to cry,
Cry until I feel nothing,
Know nothing,
Feel nothing,
Remember nothing,
And love nothing.

On this day I am dead.
On this day,
I walk away with my pictures,
All of my pictures.

Tomorrow,
Don't come too soon.
Let this day last,
Just a little bit longer,
Just a little bit longer...

01.07.01

Truth Again

There’s so much music in my heart,
I want to sing it out loud with no shame.

There’s so much pain,
But it is so well hidden,
So I may be happy.

There is so much love desired for so many,
Yet so few accept and understand.

There’s so much sin,
So much sin…
But He still touches me with care,
And forgiveness.

There is such beauty,
But many lack the eyes.

Change is in time, not by time.
Change is in different paces.
My pace is blessed.

So much treasure I’ve collected,
I am much grateful for my possessions.

So much debt to be paid,
But never asked to be.

So much heart,
So little time.

So much time,
But so few with courage.

I love you.
Thank you.
I love you too.
Don’t mention it.

01/01/01

Hi baby...

I'm glad we got the chance to talk in these past couple of days. You're a very special person to me and I hope you already know that. I was acting weird today because I was just not yet used to certain things. Today, when I felt "potential threats" from other guys, I got all defensive and stuff... But I thought, what the heck? She's got a boyfriend, why do I care? You know, the real reason why I was all not myself today was because I just couldn't stand it. I was never able to stand not feeling like I'm someone special to you, and I still can't stand it. I thouht to myself, "Chris, you said you don't ever want her anything more than a close friend, perhaps a best friend, then why were you trippin today? And even tho you were trippin, why did you let your feelings show when all this time you were so afraid to show it? What do you expect?" I didn't show it but, that night when we talked, when you said that you'd be with me again in the future, I liked hearing that very very much. When you said you felt like we're together again, I liked hearing that very much as well. And you said you didn't settle for me at all, that I was in way more than you asked for, I was very touched. I don't know why I didn't show it, but I think it was because I was afraid to show my feelings like you're afraid to show your feelings to those you care for. I always wanted to be a special person in your life. I want to be someone you know you can always count on and turn to. You were so pretty today, and I was jealous that you weren't mine, but someone elses. I'm still trying to figure out what this is all about... what is it that I want? I don't think I want to be with you, but then why should you hurt me still? Is it just cus I don't have a girlfriend and that I need someone and you're as close as it gets to that someone I can think of? When I think about "us", it's like this: imagine you've been knitting a sweater for months, years, and when you're practically finished with it, you spilled hot tea on it and the sweater shrinks so your effort goes to nothing... thats like us... we were so close... we were going to be so happy together... Don't you remember the times we had? I really hope you do... When did you stop loving me? It was suppose to be you and me forever and ever and ever... Do you remember that letter you wrote me? You touched my heart with that letter... You thanked me... you said it was like that song "Because you loved me"... You said please don't give up on us, you said you promise you'll make it all up to me one day... I'm not too good when it comes to sharing... and to me you're always only mine... The thought of other guys touching you disgusts me... .. I'm shaking... but maybe it's cus it's cold... When you asked me if I'd ever be with you again, I said NO. But the truth is... I really don't know... I didn't tell you that and I'm not sure why I didn't. I said the trust is broken... but.... I'm so mad..... Why did everyone work together to hurt me... Even so, what if you are the one and this is just... the wrong time... How would it be like if I really get to raise a family with you... do all the things I've dreamed of doing with you... There's a place in my heart that could only be filled by you, but now it can't be filled by anyone, not even you... Sometimes I'd rather this is just a dream... when I wake up, everything will be okay.... everything will be just fine, just perfect... I know if you see how hurt I really am you'd cry for me still... and you'd wish you could undo it... But damn... there is no way for you to know... Ha... I'm crying again... I don't think I can tell people "I never cry" anymore. I really hope you will be okay... sincerely even if it's without my knowing.... I don't think we'll stay in touch for very long... It's like how I knew we'd end up tegether if I just be patient back then... But please... remember the way you once felt and keep it in your heart until you die... I will, and I pormise. I know we were beautiful... nothing ever comes close... I can't describe it any better than we loved each other.... Love was so good wasn't it? Oh.... I remember so much so clearly.... I remember how your face looked thru the barely opened window when I told you I swallowed pills.... you were crying... Everytime when I asked you who loves more, and you tell me you do, I never corrected you.... I didn't want you to know how much you are to me... cus I felt like if you know you'd leave me... I'm grateful that I always rememberd to cherish you..... your presence and everything about you, just in case you'd be gone one day... and now I never have to wish to have cared more.... I really hope I made you feel the way I felt... but I don't think I did... I mean...i made you happy, but not as happy as you made me I guess.... I was not everything you've ever wanted... that's okay tho... you were everything i've ever wanted and that means a lot to me.. You know, I don't even like saying I love you to you because the word love just don't quite make it up there... but there is no other word... and there's no way you can listen to my heart. I think it's time for me to go now... not like go away or anything but, this very special Chris of me will go away... I will hide him for a long time, perhaps for good. This is the unpublished last chapter of our story... I'll see you again in heaven baby... promise me this time you'll meet me there for sure.... we can spend the rest of our eternal life and nothing else will come between us again... So the story does end well, all these tears will not shed in vain.... I love you baby.. I love you so much... as much as you loved me when you wrote me that letter, when you wanted no one else but me... thank you baby for every single day of our secret that no one will ever understand... I want to tell you more but words just don't do so good.... damn.... .. I'm always your best friend, and your soul mate. Whenever you're hurt and you cry, know that my love is more than your pain... and perhaps feel a little better... good night my lovely wife.

Merry christmas, happy 418 days... remember our promise.
Me

12-24-00
04:56AM

[Chapter One]

I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault!

[Chapter Two]

I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.

[Chapter Three]

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

[Chapter Four]

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

[Chapter Five]

I walk down a different street.

-Portia Nelson

A girl, she works at the front desk of ASUCI, was classy, beautiful, yet charming, and a sweet smile. I asked her, “What’s my name?” Her soft shy yet bold (also very cute) voice replied, “I don’t know (or something of that sort).” “I’m Chris, Hi, what’s your name?” “I’m ____ (forgot her name)” Then I said to her, “I’m not usually bold like this but when I don’t sleep I get really brave. I think you’re really pretty.” She blushed and smiled before I finished my sentence and left no gap in time between my words and her reply, “You’re so cute!”

Ah… what a beautiful day. I’m having one of those moments where I’m just excited about the future and grateful for everything and everyone I have. To my surprise, I actually talked to Kalle on the phone today. It was a nice talk but there wasn’t a full sense of completion. I was very glad and relieved to hear that she does have the desire to seek Him. And I believe I’ve helped her stepp closer to Him today. Andrew said the best way to show someone is by example; I understand what he means and I again asked God to give me the strength and courage. I really hope I will be able to take Kalle to church this weekend, I know it’ll help her find some peace. As we talked, I thought about the paper I had to write for Anthropology since it was already about 3:00 AM. But I thought: He finally gave me the chance to bring her closer to Him I’m whatever I sacrifice will be worth it. I still remember how she said to me the other day, “I have more respect than you have for me.” And for some reason I just can’t forget that. When she said she’s happy with Dave, there was bitterness in me. I’m still not use to the idea that she’s without me. I get jealous to hear about her having feelings for someone else, feelings that I know so well of… feelings that make me feel so close and warm. Maybe it’s due to my bitterness but from what I hear it doesn’t sound like this guy treasures Kalle’s presence. I’m not sure what I wish for the two yet, but I know it doesn’t matter.

My Savior,

I thank you for have finally shown me the way, or helped me see the way that has been there all this time. I thank you for all those good people you have brought to my side. Those who assure me that they really care and treasure, I know they’re angels. Now that I’ve returned home at last, I know it is my duty to help guide those who are lost in doubts to you, as your angels have guided me. I just pray that you give me strength and faith to save these people that I hold most dear to me. I will serve you Lord; I will sacrifice anything and all to receive peace and joy. I know you love me Lord, and I thank you for your unconditional love. You’re the only one who’s capable of unconditional love. I thank you for this freedom I’ve found; I know that everything will be just fine. Please bless everyone that I love. In your name I pray, AMEN.

To Him:

Whenever I'm weary
From the battles that rage in my head,
You make sense of madness
when my sanity hangs by a thread.
I lose my way but still you
Seem to understand.
Now and forever,
I will be your man.

Sometimes I just hold you,
Too caught up in me to see.
I'm holding a fortune
That heaven has given to me.
I'll try to show you each and every way I can,
Now and forever,
I will be your man.

Now I can rest my worries
And always be sure
That I won't be alone anymore.
If I only known you were there
All this time,
All this time.

Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever,
I will be your man.
Now and forever,
I will be,
your man.

Today in my Sociology 1 class there was this attractive Asian girl sitting in a seat in front of me. She had soft hair, healthy skin, a cute face, and very kissable lips. She said hello to the girl sitting on my right before class started so thinking that they know each other, during lecture, I passed a note to the girl next to me asking, “What is your friend’s name?” She smiled as she read the note and returned the piece of paper with the word, “Doreen.”

I am very glad of the Vegas trip. Not as much for the Comdex experience, but that I believe it saved a friend. I thought Tina became one of those “too busy” people. We haven’t talked in practically months since the Key Club convention. Apparently, Tina thought the same of me. How ironic. This trip cleared up everything though; Tina is till the sweet girl that she is and CATCH is still good.

Tina is lonely though. I didn’t think people like her get lonely… but it just makes me respect her even more.

::CATCH::

Thank you God! You rule!

Mariah Carey Ft. 98 Degrees, “Thank God I Found You” because it was our song.

Brian McKnight, “6, 8, 12” because it was also our song.

Uncle Sam, “I Don’t Ever Wanna See You Again” because it is what she did.

Eminem, “Kim” because there’re anger and grief I can’t express.

Allure & 112, “All Cried Out” because I will never cry again.

Savage Garden, “I Knew I Loved You” because she’s my best friend.

N Sync, “This I Promise You” because I do believe she was the one, and the broken promise.

Backstreet Boys, “Spanish Eyes” because she liked that song.

Chris DeBurgh, “Lady In Red” because I still remember how beautiful she was in that red dress.

Brian McKnight, “Back At One” because she told me she thought of me when she heard that song.

Chicago, “Will You Still Love Me” because it was the question I asked, and the song I cried with when I waited to see her again.

Chicago, “You’re The Inspiration” because it’s the song we danced to next to my car with the lights of the city beside us.

Aaliyah, “Try Again” because we watched Romeo Must Die together.

Celine Dion, “Because You Loved Me” because she once said I was her everything.

Dianne Warren, “That’s What Friends Are For” because I am trying to forgive her, and forget.

Tatyana Ali, “Everytime” because she said it was kind of like us… and I miss her so much.

Cher, "Believe" because life moves every quickly and I got a lot of catching up to do.

[Letter From Teresa]

Dear Chris:

You have a sad site... it's beautiful yet sad at the same time... I think you misunderstood me though. If I were you, this is what I would put... Let me describe my relationship with Ward and what I feel towards him now since he too hurt me like no one else... maybe it'll make you feel better

To My Dearest Baby:

I loved you then, love you now, and will always love you... We have a very "different" relationship than most people. We loved each other deeply, yet hurt each other just as much. You're far away now overseas. I took this time to think hard about our relationship. Although you and I are no longer together, you'll always take a part of me with you wherever you go. I thought of our happy times and I thought of our sad times. I wanted to hate you so much.. At a point in my life, I even wanted to get even with you... But I just can't... There is no way that I could ever hate you. When you and I broke up, you shattered my heart.. Now I'm slowly mending it back together. Although it's almost mended back together now, the pieces will not all match anymore.. In addition to that, there will always be scars engraved forever in my heart. No one has brought so much happiness in my life as you did, yet no one has brought me so much pain too. I gave up everything for you. I fought many battles for you. In return, I received criticisms from your friends, from your family. But I was happy about one thing.. I did receive your love in return, and I knew that it was worth all that I had gone through. I know that you and I will always love and remember each other. When you come back from overseas at the end of this month, we will both know if we were meant to be but you and I promised each other that no matter what happens, we will still be best friends. I will never forget you baby... because you were my first love and the one I gave everything to. Last but not least, I want to give you a quote that I gave you in the very beginning of our relationship: "It doesn't matter if it lasts forever.. the only thing that matters is that you once had it all." I love on happily knowing that I did once have it all. And I hope you live on happily knowing that you too, once had it all... I end this letter now with one last phrase: "I love you baby.. always have and always will"....

Teresa

Today was quite a nice day. Church was fun, had good food, and learned new things. I drove Andrew back to UCLA and visited Woon Joo, she gave me the stupidest hug when she saw me. Mom says my site is “beautiful,” I’m still not quite sure exactly what she means by that, but I think she means it’s beautiful because I write my feelings. The drive back to Irvine was tedious; I got lost and took an extra 20 minutes that could have been well spent on something unnecessary. I noticed the places on the side of the freeway on the way, which reminded me how I first came to Irvine. I tried to remember where all the fun places so I could take Kalle when we finally see each other again. The malls, the family center, the strawberry farm, and the beach… I wanted to do so much with her.

It is the most amazing feeling to think about her. She almost feel like a stranger to me at moments, but at the same time she feels like the person that I’m just hoping I’ll see again someday. Not in the way that I want to see her, but the feeling I had during summer when I waited for her. When I think about the things she’s doing now, the sense of regret I feel for her is so strong but I know can change nothing. She talked to me online on the 2nd. She said, “Are you still mad at me (or do you just hate me)?” I must admit, I felt excitement/happiness the instant I realized it was her. I didn’t answer her,question I simply said “Hi” and talked to her like she’s just another friend. Well, I tried to. She asked me “So what’s up?” I told her what was up including Glen dropping out of Cal to move to Seattle so he could be with Putri. She said it was stupid. I told her I think it is too but I understand why he felt he had to do it. She said, “Well I don’t.” I said, “I know.” She then said “Damn” followed by a “Bye” and then signed off. ::smile:: I must also admit that I regretted that conversation, for several reasons: first, I didn’t want her to feel that we’re now “even” because I got her mad. Second, I’ve been telling myself not to hold grudges against her but still I expressed bitterness through implicit insults. Lastly, I did wished a pleasant conversation with her so I can find out what’s going in her life. If the question is do I still love this girl, the answer is I will always do. Many people will take this as, “Yeah yeah, everyone says that” but I do believe I will always love and remember her. Here’s the difference: I love her, but I’m not in love with her. I will never be in love with her again… as long as I can help it. I’m pretty sure I can. She’s not happy though, I can tell. I’m hurt for her. Even though she’s doing lots of “fun and exciting stuff,” I know when she wakes up and before she sleeps she is lonely, maybe not lonely physically but lonely at heart (God forgive me for my thoughts, I really wish I can think otherwise but I have no control over it). Maybe it became a habit for me to desire happiness for her. I really can’t see any reason why I should even think about this person, yet, the heart is stronger than the mind. While I was Food 4 Less with Andrew today, I figured out what I was going to get Kalle for Christmas. I wasn’t sure if I was going to give her anything, but I think I’m going to. Since her parents would raise hell with her if they found out she received a gift from me, I think I’m just going to mail it anonymously.

… I think Woon Joo is a very pretty girl but I’m not sure if she’s “normal.” She’s like Kalle, she never lets a guy get close to her. I hope she’ll open up soon.

November 2nd… What a strange aching date… I can still see clearly how it all happened. The eyes met; the question; the first page of the story. I do not know how to describe the grief I feel; I’ve really expected and hoped this day to be celebrated and cherished, not a day where I asked myself again, “What happened?” I wonder what her first emotion is when she notices what today is. I am still not sure of my feelings towards, but I still catch myself with disappointment and bitterness. I ask God day after day to help me be understanding and to bless her sincerely; I still wish her happiness. Christmas is near, her favorite holiday; I wonder by then will we be able to give each other Christmas gifts. To care for and love another person unconditionally is so hard, what do I want from her? Should I have regrets if we really never speak again? If He chooses to take her today should I feel sorry? If He chooses to take me today will she feel sorry? Does it matter? I shouldn’t waste my time writing like this when I have a midterm in 8 hours. Happy anniversary Kalle… or, happy anniversary baby… I…

It’s raining outside… The last time it rained she called and told me she loves me. ::sigh:: I’m feeling fine, but there’re still times when I can’t help thinking about her, perhaps miss her. I can hear the raindrops, and for some reason it sounds so nice… almost sounds like I’m loved. It doesn’t really make sense how she’s turned so cold… It’s like she’s a different person. I wonder how much of us she thinks about… as much as I am? Perhaps none. I hope she’s doing all right… but I’m afraid she won’t be. As this rate, she’s for sure going to drop out of the Bio Med program and perhaps even UCR. Maybe her parents will pull her out of school… if she allows them. What a pity… it’s her chance to prove to everyone and she’s tossing it out for some temporary feeling of joy. I’ve lost trust in her completely. I believe nothing she says. I laugh at the things I’ve found out, I wonder how she was able to lie straight through me. Should she ever know how much I know? I am proud of myself for being so brave and strong though… It surprises me how well I’m handling this situation. Even now, I don’t regret anything. I didn’t think I would, but I did learn a great lot from this. God, please watch over her. Show her before she sink too deep, before she turns around and regret. I wonder if she’s happy… could she be? Nah… she can’t be. You just can’t be happy that way… One thing for sure though: she’s lost me for good. She will never have my heart again. I miss the old days. I miss the Kalle that was mine. Maybe I’ll still get to be with her in my dreams from time to time… Heh… was that the picture I wished to paint? It should be a while before I realize the answer.

It was really nice seeing old friends this weekend; I hope I’ll never lose touch with these people. David said something really interesting and true: Many people from Key Club join Circle K in college seeking to relive the experience instead of joining because it’s a new journey. They often realize later that it’s not the same and are disappointed. I was one of these people. The drive back to Irvine was nice… except that when I got home I received me $250.75 phone bill :(

It’s strange. Just days ago I swore that I would never speak to her again, but now I think much differently. First, Teresa said that if I do that then I “lose.” She said I should just stay friends with Kalle and be the person with the greater heart. She said that if one day Kalle were to choose to come back to me, I would kick her away coldly. I thought Teresa was right and that was just what I was going to do: Be friends with her but not really her friends, just waiting and laugh at her when she falls. Well… I don’t think that anymore. Maybe it’s because of church, but I will forgive her and accept her; I will wish the best for her. When she falls I will help her, not because I know it’s the right thing to do, but because I truly wish her well. To my surprise, I am taking all this much better than I have. Maybe it’s because love is stronger than hatred, but I already feel much better. True, the thoughts still invade my mind when I’m not paying attention and still it hurts me, but everyday I am learning. I’m not sure if I regret tearing up all the pictures and letters of her and even thrown away the ring, but I am sure I no longer hold grudges against her. Should I care if she doesn’t even think she’s wrong? Should I care if she thinks I’m stupid for thinking she’s wrong? I do, but I’m working on it. I wonder if she still thinks I’m her best friend. My mom said that it’s very difficult for a person to be with someone they’re madly in love with. According to her, it’s because when you love someone so deeply, you become the most annoying person. You love the other so much that even the littlest thing the other person does to hurt you it is the greatest pain in the world because you care so much. Therefore, you become a very annoying person. I remember I was on the phone with Kalle overwhelmed by her heartless words. I could not believe it was the same girl that put me second to nothing, who would be hurt when I am hurt. The same girl that told me she feels the safest when she’s in my arms. To me, that girl died in the summer; her parents killed her. I guess I’m responsible too but nevertheless the girl, my soul mate, has died. I had a happy relationship and it was always be good memories. I’ve achieved the warmest achievement. I am the person she loved the most; there will not be a second. And that is the happy ending. Sure… it’s very hard to let go. All those time I ditched school to have lunch with her… she would cook for me and we’d eat a like a family. We even watched Little Mermaid together… Chicago, Key Club, the dance on Angelest Crest, twelve days of Christmas, the talks of her prom dress, the talks of our happily ever after, and every one of our emotions… It was good… I wish the best for her, wherever she may be or go and with or without me. No bitterness.

It’s late but I’m scared to go to sleep. I can’t stop the images from coming to my mind; it’s almost like I saw it happened… I can’t stop thinking about all the things she once said to me. All the promised, assuring words, and the talk of being happy together for eternity. I’m not sure what I want at this moment. Do I want her to suffer like I am? Do I want her to come begging for my return? No… None of that will ease the pain. I guess I just wish things didn’t have to be as it is. Do people act heartless when they’re tired? Or was I really wrong about her? Were all these people correct this whole time and I was just too blind too see? Yeah… I guess I learned from this, but is all this really worth the experience? The sad thing is, if I have to choice to go through it all over again, I would. Could I actually be the one who’s at fault? Maybe I did something really wrong to have caused her to break my heart with my friend? Maybe it’s her roommate. Kalle is very weak minded. Like her mother, she doesn’t really have her own opinion. Maybe it’s the summer. The summer turned her to a different person. I have cried, but why is my heart still not at ease? When Tony prayed for me, I heard the words “peace and joy.” It sounded so good… What will it take for me to forgive her? Is that possible? Knowing her, it’s very likely that she’d just “go all out” and “have fun”, should I care if she does? I had a dream that there were three black widow spiders in my room; does that mean anything? Do I really love her as I claim or is it just the will of wanting someone and loneliness? It’s late, is she asleep? She could be with some guy right now… Sigh… I try but I can’t stop thinking. I know time will eventually heal me, I just hope it doesn’t take too much time. Please make it soon… please make it soon…

Today is my birthday. My mother bought me two cell phones, one for me, and one for her. When I saw the cell phones I wanted to cry. I wonder how she would feel if she was there. She never will though, for I have promised myself to never have anything shared with this cruel soul. “Maybe you shouldn’t have waited.” Her voice still again and again rings in my mind… her last heartless words. She’s gone, the girl I love is dead. I believe I am partly responsible for her death. Oh God I can’t even describe how much I miss her. When I jumped out the window that night, that’s when I left her, and that’s when her death began. I cried, I cried more than I ever have and ever will. Although I was not there, the scenes are constantly replaying in my mind… so much for love, trust, and friendship… I don’t know what she is thinking about right now, but nothing is going to change. The girl I love died. I have so many questions… they will never be answered. My angel… If I could I will give anything in this world to bring you back. Why did you have to leave me… I have so much hatred towards you… You don’t even care about how much I love you… You’re not even sad that I’m hurt… How can I ever forgive you… You really shouldn’t have said what you said… I am crying, but I know it causes you no feelings. Goodbye my love, my life, my soul… I will always love you no matter what. It hurts so much to say goodbye… What are you doing at this very moment? At this very moment as I suffer through pain that is almost as powerful as the love I have for you… I wish so much for you to tell me that you care… I wish I could hear you tell me how much you love me and need me again. I wish this is only a nightmare… I wish to wake up… or let me sleep for the rest of my life. Would you care if I were to die? Will you cry for me? I think you will… The worst thing you ever did in your life to yourself is to let me go. You’ve let go a very very good thing. But I will go on without you; I will live better than you. I will find happiness again that contains no part of you. You owe me, and you can never repay me. You will live the rest of your human life alone. Goodbye… I love you.